I remember clearly the first time it happened
as if it were yesterday. The first time my boyfriend hit me... The first time he "took it." I can remember laying there
in shock, tears streaming down my face, as if this didn't just happen to me. I was 18 and thought I knew the person I was
in love with. I threw him out that night, but less than 24 hours later, I took him back. He didn't touch me for the next 2
years. I believed he was a changed person, but I couldn't have been more wrong.
I married what I considered to be the
love of my life at the time when I was 20. There had been no other signs of abuse other than that one incident that horrible
night. From the moment I took on his name, my whole world changed. It started with the verbal and physical abuse. The occasional
slap and the name calling. It escalated from there to more violent nights. The second time my husband "took it" from me, I
still didn't think he was doing anything wrong. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, because I was having sex with
him, so why would he force himself on me or in me? I guess at the time I didn't fully understand what was going on or what
was happening to me. All I knew was that I loved this person who was doing this to me, but at the same time he was hurting
I used to try to stay awake as late as I could
at night, praying he would fall asleep so that maybe I would get sleep that night. I used to get so mad at myself for falling
asleep first, because that's when he would do it. He would cut my clothes off me as I slept, and force himself in me. I used
to wake up, start crying, and beg him to stop. If I was lucky, I could get out of the house barely dressed and just drive
around all night. I can't even begin to tell how many times I did this over the years, solely because I was terrified to go
home... My own home.
Over the next few years, I can't tell you
how many times this happened. How many times my husband, the person I loved more than anything, did this to me. He took me
away from everything and everyone I knew... Everyone I was close to. My family and friends no longer existed. I was slapped,
punched, kicked, drug down stairs, beat up, verbally abused and raped by my husband. This was my life every single
day. I was terrified of this man, and I truly believed that if I left him he would kill me. It took me years to realize what
was happening to me; that he indeed was raping me. I remember the first time I stood up to him... He had just done it
to me. I was so mad, and I told him that's what he was doing to me... He was raping me... His response was "You can't rape
your wife!" TRUTH IS YES YOU CAN!!!
I stayed with this man for 9 ½ years, scared
almost every day I was with him. I can't even tell you what changed inside me the day I left this man. I woke up one day and
had enough. It took me almost 10 years, but I did leave him. I had never been more scared or proud of myself in all my life
that day. After I left him, he stalked me for the next 2 years... It wasn't until he attacked me one night about a year
after I left him that I had him arrested for the first time ever... Can you believe that!?!
I sit here in tears writing this, as I give
you just a small amount of what I went through with this man. I couldn't begin to write everything, as I would be a wreck
if I started pulling out all the memories. It's still too much for my heart to handle. I want people to understand it can
happen to anyone. You see, I came from a good loving family, where this kind of thing didn't happen. I never saw abuse.
People need to understand when you do this
to a woman you rob her of her soul; that you have forever changed her life. My family and friends never knew... All those
years and they never knew anything. Pay attention to people you're close to, and ask questions if you think something
It has been 5 years and I'm still not fully
where I want to be. I still have what I would call flashbacks, and still wake up screaming sometimes from horrible dreams. People
think they know the real me, but very few know of the demons that haunt me.
If you know anyone in this situation, please
help them... Be that nosy person... Call the police! I never told a single person until after I left him, and I regret that
now. I will never understand why he did this to me, other than control. I have learned now that he was the person with the
problem, not me! I may have many scars from this man, but I left him, and that's what counts.
I pray everyday for all the women enduring any type of abuse. You can leave and start over... I'm
living proof of that. This is my story, and I'm a SURVIVOR!!!