I married what I considered to be the love of my life at the time when I was 20. There had been no other signs of abuse other than that one incident that horrible night. From the moment I took on his name, my whole world changed. It started with the verbal and physical abuse. The occasional  slap and the name calling. It escalated from there to more violent nights. The second time my husband "took it" from me, I still didn't think he was doing anything wrong. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, because I was having sex with him, so why would he force himself on me or in me? I guess at the time I didn't fully understand what was going on or what was happening to me. All I knew was that I loved this person who was doing this to me, but at the same time he was hurting me. 

I used to try to stay awake as late as I could at night, praying he would fall asleep so that maybe I would get sleep that night. I used to get so mad at myself for falling asleep first, because that's when he would do it. He would cut my clothes off me as I slept, and force himself in me. I used to wake up, start crying, and beg him to stop. If I was lucky, I could get out of the house barely dressed and just drive around all night. I can't even begin to tell how many times I did this over the years, solely because I was terrified to go home... My own home.

Over the next few years, I can't tell you how many times this happened. How many times my husband, the person I loved more than anything, did this to me. He took me away from everything and everyone I knew... Everyone I was close to. My family and friends no longer existed. I was slapped, punched, kicked, drug down stairs, beat up, verbally abused  and raped by my husband. This was my life every single day. I was terrified of this man, and I truly believed that if I left him he would kill me. It took me years to realize what was happening to me; that he indeed was raping me. I remember the first time I stood up to him... He had just done it to me. I was so mad, and I told him that's what he was doing to me... He was raping me... His response was "You can't rape your wife!" TRUTH IS YES YOU CAN!!! 

I stayed with this man for 9 ½ years, scared almost every day I was with him. I can't even tell you what changed inside me the day I left this man. I woke up one day and had enough. It took me almost 10 years, but I did leave him. I had never been more scared or proud of myself in all my life that day. After I left him, he stalked me for the next 2 years... It wasn't until he attacked me one night about a year after I left him that I had him arrested for the first time ever... Can you believe that!?!

I sit here in tears writing this, as I give you just a small amount of what I went through with this man. I couldn't begin to write everything, as I would be a wreck if I started pulling out all the memories. It's still too much for my heart to handle. I want people to understand it can happen to anyone. You see, I came from a good loving family, where this kind of thing didn't happen. I never saw abuse. 

People need to understand when you do this to a woman you rob her of her soul; that you have forever changed her life. My family and friends never knew... All those years and they never knew anything. Pay attention to people you're close to, and ask questions if you think something is wrong.

It has been 5 years and I'm still not fully where I want to be. I still have what I would call flashbacks, and still wake up screaming sometimes from horrible dreams. People think they know the real me, but very few know of the demons that haunt me.

If you know anyone in this situation, please help them... Be that nosy person... Call the police! I never told a single person until after I left him, and I regret that now. I will never understand why he did this to me, other than control. I have learned now that he was the person with the problem, not me! I may have many scars from this man, but I left him, and that's what counts. I pray everyday for all the women enduring any type of abuse. You can leave and start over... I'm living proof of that. This is my story, and I'm a SURVIVOR!!!